One Story About Clothes

I was just standing at the bar (shocking, I know) on a Monday night when a bachelorette party came into the bar. And my god, it was the rowdiest bachelorette party I have ever seen in my entire life. There were four, count them, four women. And while they were there each woman had upwards of two drinks. It was amazing. If you’ve never seen a large group of women go crazy like that, you have yet to live. Granted, it was a Monday night when all of the six other people in the bar were going batshit crazy as well, so the party didn’t stick out as much as it could have.

I was standing at the bar watching whatever was on T.V. and generally just being as awesome as I possibly could (note to others: that’s pretty goddamn awesome). Suddenly someone appeared at my side and asked if I would do them a favor. I responded, “Only if that favor is letting you suck my dick.” Then I realized I hadn’t actually said anything so I asked what she needed.

“Um, this might sound kind of weird, but it’s my friend’s bachelorette party and we’re playing this game. . .

“Yeah.”

“Well, can I have one of your socks?”

“Excuse me? Just one sock?”

“Yes.”

“I don’t know about that. Then I’d be uneven the rest of the night and it would totally just throw me off.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. I just can’t give you one sock.”

“Well, actually the card says to ask a man for his underwear and get him to sign it, but I thought if I said sock it would be more likely you’d say yes.”

“My underwear?”

“Yeah.”

“What underwear do I have on? [Pause to check underwear; pause to think] Yeah, sure, I’ll give you my boxers.”

“Are you serious?”

“Of course.”

“You’d rather give me your boxers than one sock?”

“Trust me, it’s much easier to freeball it for a night than it is to walk around with only one sock.”

And that is how I ended up going commando on a night I didn’t intend to. Additionally, someone out there has a picture of me standing with the bride to be and some other girls holding up a pair of my boxers with my signature across the left ass while I give the camera the thumbs up. I’m really hoping that I can break up at least one marriage in my life and it would be really cool to get that goal out of the way this early in life.

I’ve also found out the mere fact that I’m not wearing underwear slightly creeps some people out. My favorite quote was from one bartender: “[NDC], it’s not the fact that you aren’t wearing underwear that creeps me out, it’s the fact that I know you aren’t wearing underwear.” Of course this only made things worse because after that every time I got another drink after that it went something along the lines of “Hey, can I have another and by the way, did you know there is only one layer of cloth between my balls and the rest of the world?”