It Lives; It Breathes
I was going to give all the tens of people that read this site every week some sort of explanation for my month long absence. But then I remembered that I don’t owe you assholes jack shit. I don’t get paid for this shit. People don’t even send me free shit. I mean, fuck, I don’t even get nudie pictures in my email (feel free to help change that; if you’re a woman; well, if you’re a hot woman).
But fuck all that. Here I am; sitting here; close to graduating from law school. Three years. Three longish years. Three longish years where I have learned very little related to the law. I feel like this is all a huge let down; like I should have something, some important thing or revelation to share with you. Or some huge piece of advice to impart on everyone.
Was it worth it? What has law school actually taught me? Do I have any regrets? So many questions that I can barely wrap my mind around much less begin to make sense of. Fuck it, let’s take the questions one by one.
Was it worth it? Well, yes-ish. Which is to say, sort of yes. Law school was worth it in the sense that I’ll now be able to take the state bar and actually be a lawyer. I also met some really great friends which also makes it worth it. Of course, I’ve also met an inordinate amount of motherfucking douchebags as well, so that’s kind of a push. But other than the ability to sit for the bar and making some friends I didn’t get jack shit from this place. I’m no more ready to be a lawyer today than I was three years ago (well, aside from the fact that I am now officially dead inside which means I’ll be able to represent any criminal defendant with no qualms whatsoever, so I guess that helped a bit; of course, I was already well on way to being dead inside before I showed up here, but whatever).
But what did I actually learn here? I’ve been in law school and in this town for three years; it would be pretty sad if I didn’t learn a damn thing, now wouldn’t it? Don’t answer that; it’s a rhetorical question, asshole. Don’t you worry your sweet little ass, I’ve learned plenty. First, I have learned how to bullshit and lie with greater impunity than ever before. This isn’t directly due to law school, but mostly due to the amount of time law school made me spend in a bar by myself trying to entertain myself while sitting next to some fucktard who thinks that just because we’re both alone I give a flying fuck about the fact that his “wife just died” and he’s “feeling all alone” and “might commit suicide in a few days.” I’m not a goddamn psychiatrist nor do I work at the bar; thus, keep your goddamn problems to yourself unless I’m actually your friend.
Second, I learned to drink more than I ever previously thought possible. This is actually going on my resume (along with the fact that I won the 3L class superlative for biggest partier – that’s right, I came first in something in law school; which isn’t as surprising as the fact that I came first in something other than sex, but whatever…). Every year of law school I began to amaze myself more and more. I never thought I could drink more than I did during my 1L year. In hindsight, 1L was fucking child’s play. Then I never thought I’d be able to top 2L year (which really started the summer before with a month long bender that, to this day, is still a bender to rival all benders). Of course 3L year I realized that it’s quite simple to drink insane amounts of booze when you don’t read for class or do anything else. Being a slacker really frees up some drinking time. While I would previously have thought that there is no way I would be able to answer the question “how many have you had” with “somewhere between twenty and twenty-five” and not being lying my ass off, I have this to not only be possible, but frequently is probable. What the fuck ever though.
Third, find one bar that will become your regular bar. Get to know everyone that works there or owns the place. This will pay great dividends in the future.
And finally, I learned that if you get a woman drunk enough, there’s a pretty good chance she’ll let you stick it in her butt.
Lastly, do I have regrets? Of course; who the fuck doesn’t have regrets. Sure, I probably (ok, definitely) have more than my fair share of regrets, but that’s just life. I regret going to as many classes as I did during all three years. I regret doing as many reading assignments as I did during 1L and 2L. I regret missing watching baseball games on TV to, instead, go to class.
But my biggest regret? All the women I haven’t slept with. I regret not repeatedly violating many women. I suppose I still have a few months before I move out of here though. Just let me know if you’re a woman and you feel left out because you haven’t yet been lucky (read: drunk) enough to experience my uncomfortably large cock. I’ve made peace with my regrets; you can still do something about yours.
As long as you’re hot. Well, hot-ish. I’m not that picky. Just ask your mom.
But fuck all that. Here I am; sitting here; close to graduating from law school. Three years. Three longish years. Three longish years where I have learned very little related to the law. I feel like this is all a huge let down; like I should have something, some important thing or revelation to share with you. Or some huge piece of advice to impart on everyone.
Was it worth it? What has law school actually taught me? Do I have any regrets? So many questions that I can barely wrap my mind around much less begin to make sense of. Fuck it, let’s take the questions one by one.
Was it worth it? Well, yes-ish. Which is to say, sort of yes. Law school was worth it in the sense that I’ll now be able to take the state bar and actually be a lawyer. I also met some really great friends which also makes it worth it. Of course, I’ve also met an inordinate amount of motherfucking douchebags as well, so that’s kind of a push. But other than the ability to sit for the bar and making some friends I didn’t get jack shit from this place. I’m no more ready to be a lawyer today than I was three years ago (well, aside from the fact that I am now officially dead inside which means I’ll be able to represent any criminal defendant with no qualms whatsoever, so I guess that helped a bit; of course, I was already well on way to being dead inside before I showed up here, but whatever).
But what did I actually learn here? I’ve been in law school and in this town for three years; it would be pretty sad if I didn’t learn a damn thing, now wouldn’t it? Don’t answer that; it’s a rhetorical question, asshole. Don’t you worry your sweet little ass, I’ve learned plenty. First, I have learned how to bullshit and lie with greater impunity than ever before. This isn’t directly due to law school, but mostly due to the amount of time law school made me spend in a bar by myself trying to entertain myself while sitting next to some fucktard who thinks that just because we’re both alone I give a flying fuck about the fact that his “wife just died” and he’s “feeling all alone” and “might commit suicide in a few days.” I’m not a goddamn psychiatrist nor do I work at the bar; thus, keep your goddamn problems to yourself unless I’m actually your friend.
Second, I learned to drink more than I ever previously thought possible. This is actually going on my resume (along with the fact that I won the 3L class superlative for biggest partier – that’s right, I came first in something in law school; which isn’t as surprising as the fact that I came first in something other than sex, but whatever…). Every year of law school I began to amaze myself more and more. I never thought I could drink more than I did during my 1L year. In hindsight, 1L was fucking child’s play. Then I never thought I’d be able to top 2L year (which really started the summer before with a month long bender that, to this day, is still a bender to rival all benders). Of course 3L year I realized that it’s quite simple to drink insane amounts of booze when you don’t read for class or do anything else. Being a slacker really frees up some drinking time. While I would previously have thought that there is no way I would be able to answer the question “how many have you had” with “somewhere between twenty and twenty-five” and not being lying my ass off, I have this to not only be possible, but frequently is probable. What the fuck ever though.
Third, find one bar that will become your regular bar. Get to know everyone that works there or owns the place. This will pay great dividends in the future.
And finally, I learned that if you get a woman drunk enough, there’s a pretty good chance she’ll let you stick it in her butt.
Lastly, do I have regrets? Of course; who the fuck doesn’t have regrets. Sure, I probably (ok, definitely) have more than my fair share of regrets, but that’s just life. I regret going to as many classes as I did during all three years. I regret doing as many reading assignments as I did during 1L and 2L. I regret missing watching baseball games on TV to, instead, go to class.
But my biggest regret? All the women I haven’t slept with. I regret not repeatedly violating many women. I suppose I still have a few months before I move out of here though. Just let me know if you’re a woman and you feel left out because you haven’t yet been lucky (read: drunk) enough to experience my uncomfortably large cock. I’ve made peace with my regrets; you can still do something about yours.
As long as you’re hot. Well, hot-ish. I’m not that picky. Just ask your mom.
posted by Naked Drinking Coffee at 5/12/2007 01:46:00 PM
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