Look At All The Fucking Babies

A while back I was talking to some people before going to class and they made the observation that all of the 1Ls look so young. I hadn’t really noticed it at that point because, let’s face it, I’m not really on campus that much and when I am I don’t really pay attention to anything other than boobies and asses.

That’s when I started looking around; and goddamn it, they do look young. This makes no sense because I’m probably only one year older than those that went straight through to law school and I’m probably younger than all the rest. Yet they all look twelve. I couldn’t quite figure it out until went to the law school directory and started looking at the pictures of the 3L class.

These pictures were all taken on the first day of orientation. I scrolled through a lot of the pictures, beat off twice, and then noticed that all of us also looked twelve years old on that day.

Then it hit me. Law school ruins you for life. I’ll be twenty-four years old in June, yet when people hear my age the usual response is, “no fucking way you lying sack of shit.” Then when I ask them how old they think I am they respond with the slightly hurtful, but entirely accurate, guess of anywhere between twenty-eight and thirty-six. To which I reply, “Fuck. You. Ass. Hole.”

Is it the stress in law school? Is it dealing with criminal defendants who shouldn’t be in jail? Is it the fact that people, on average, pick up one new addiction during law school (I picked up seven; because I’m awesome)? Is it the fact that law school makes you wish more and more every day for the sweet release of death?

I’m pretty sure it’s a combination of all of the above. I was so excited and optimistic the first day of orientation. I was doing something new and exciting and, uncomfortably large cock aside, I was ready to learn. Well law school just takes all the hope, optimism, and happiness and then it beats it the fuck out of you. Kind of like beating a sack full of puppies with a sack full of kittens and bricks. Then it turns you into a jaded, bitter, depressed, alcoholic asshole with no regard for anyone but yourself.

You started off wanting to help people and change the world and all that hippie bullshit. Now, all you can worry about is where you’re going to get crack tonight since your regular dealer just got arrested (which is really the only reason you hate the cops now; quality drug connections are hard to come by).

Basically, three years of law school has the potential to age you a solid six years. The only real point here is that if you are considering going to law school, don’t. Unless you’re ok with looking four to twelve years older than you actually are. Or if you’re really just looking for three years of binge drinking. Because law school does both of those great.