Lazy
Because I'm lazy here's a re-post of what I posted last Valentine's Day. May everyone out there have lovely sex with a person we all know you're breaking up with two days from now. If you're a guy, make sure you use the fact that you spent $480 for one night in order to guilt your girl into giving you some anal. If you're a girl, well, give your guy some anal. Tell him I told you to; he'll understand.
Make It Your VD
For the most part single people hate Valentine’s Day. And really, who can blame them. It’s nothing more than a commercial holiday (granted, no more commercial than most other holidays) that makes you feel like a retard forced to do calculus in front of a group of mathematicians just because you don’t happen to be in a relationship one day out of the year. Well fuck that. I say embrace VD. Make VD yours. And I’m not talking about syphilis.
I’ve come to the realization that I actually prefer Valentine’s Day when I’m single than when I’m dating someone. When you’re dating someone there are all these expectations hanging over your head. You can’t just take your significant other out for fast food, rent some porn and get laid (read: typical Friday date night). You actually have to plan out a romantic evening. And you better buy a present. Even if you go to all this trouble to plan, what you think will be, a great night you still have to watch out because god forbid your girlfriend has a friend whose boyfriend did something better/bigger/more romantic/etc. Because your actions will not stand alone but will be compared to what everyone else received.
Side note: it’s reasons like this why I think it would really fucking blow to date someone who was friends with Bill Gate’s wife. No matter what you do, you’ll probably always be beaten. Imagine the conversation the day after Valentine’s Day:
Your Girlfriend: It was a great night. We went out to a fancy restaurant, and then he took me to a park to stare at the stars while he sang me a song he wrote himself. And then he gave me diamond earrings!! They were huge!
Bill Gate’s Wife: Yeah, Bill was great too.
YG: What did Bill do?
BGW: Well, he had the stretch Hummer limo pick me up from home, drove me to the private jet where we had an intimate dinner cooked by a 76 star chef on the plane which was on the way to a private island which Bill bought for me and named Melinda-Land. Then we landed and as we deplaned there was Isaac Hayes singing love songs while backed by a full orchestra. After that, we flew to New York where I discovered he bought the Statute of Liberty, tore it down, and had it replaced with a statue of me. I mean, it wasn’t as great as my birthday, but it was still a pretty good night.
YG: [Silence]
Fuck that shit. Embrace your singleness people. You can do whatever the hell you want to do. You have nobody to impress. If you want to eat Taco Bell in your sweatpants, not shower, not shave, take a crap with the door open, and then put on a dirty t-shirt and jeans just to go down to the bar to get shitfaced, feel free. You can drink as much as you want because, let’s face it, you’re not going to get laid tonight so you don’t have to worry about whisky dick. Feel free to stumble home at three in the morning smelling of Bourbon, smoke, and strippers without having to deal with the “where have you been, it’s Valentine’s Day and we should be celebrating our love” stare.
For single people, Valentine’s Day should be seen as a day of freedom and personal choice. February 14th shall from here on out be renamed V-Day. It’s a lot like D-Day, but without the death and depressing shit. It’s a celebration of life and independence from the Hitler overlords known in the general parlance as “women.”
If you’re single, come celebrate V-Day with me. Don’t sit at home depressed because you’re all alone. Instead, meet me at the bar where we’ll do shots and toast to not having to worry about what time we get home; to not having to pretend to love the ballet; to not having to dress up; to drinking more than just one half a bottle of wine; to Wendy’s and Krystal instead of some fancy French shit; to liquor and beer instead of wine; to our own wants, needs, and desires instead of someone else’s; to whatever the fuck you want, because that’s all that matters.
This V-Day isn’t for you. It’s for me.
Seriously though, I’ll be at the bar tonight. Come have a few with me. I won’t be dressed up, and I won’t buy you jack shit. But we’ll still have fun.
Make It Your VD
For the most part single people hate Valentine’s Day. And really, who can blame them. It’s nothing more than a commercial holiday (granted, no more commercial than most other holidays) that makes you feel like a retard forced to do calculus in front of a group of mathematicians just because you don’t happen to be in a relationship one day out of the year. Well fuck that. I say embrace VD. Make VD yours. And I’m not talking about syphilis.
I’ve come to the realization that I actually prefer Valentine’s Day when I’m single than when I’m dating someone. When you’re dating someone there are all these expectations hanging over your head. You can’t just take your significant other out for fast food, rent some porn and get laid (read: typical Friday date night). You actually have to plan out a romantic evening. And you better buy a present. Even if you go to all this trouble to plan, what you think will be, a great night you still have to watch out because god forbid your girlfriend has a friend whose boyfriend did something better/bigger/more romantic/etc. Because your actions will not stand alone but will be compared to what everyone else received.
Side note: it’s reasons like this why I think it would really fucking blow to date someone who was friends with Bill Gate’s wife. No matter what you do, you’ll probably always be beaten. Imagine the conversation the day after Valentine’s Day:
Your Girlfriend: It was a great night. We went out to a fancy restaurant, and then he took me to a park to stare at the stars while he sang me a song he wrote himself. And then he gave me diamond earrings!! They were huge!
Bill Gate’s Wife: Yeah, Bill was great too.
YG: What did Bill do?
BGW: Well, he had the stretch Hummer limo pick me up from home, drove me to the private jet where we had an intimate dinner cooked by a 76 star chef on the plane which was on the way to a private island which Bill bought for me and named Melinda-Land. Then we landed and as we deplaned there was Isaac Hayes singing love songs while backed by a full orchestra. After that, we flew to New York where I discovered he bought the Statute of Liberty, tore it down, and had it replaced with a statue of me. I mean, it wasn’t as great as my birthday, but it was still a pretty good night.
YG: [Silence]
Fuck that shit. Embrace your singleness people. You can do whatever the hell you want to do. You have nobody to impress. If you want to eat Taco Bell in your sweatpants, not shower, not shave, take a crap with the door open, and then put on a dirty t-shirt and jeans just to go down to the bar to get shitfaced, feel free. You can drink as much as you want because, let’s face it, you’re not going to get laid tonight so you don’t have to worry about whisky dick. Feel free to stumble home at three in the morning smelling of Bourbon, smoke, and strippers without having to deal with the “where have you been, it’s Valentine’s Day and we should be celebrating our love” stare.
For single people, Valentine’s Day should be seen as a day of freedom and personal choice. February 14th shall from here on out be renamed V-Day. It’s a lot like D-Day, but without the death and depressing shit. It’s a celebration of life and independence from the Hitler overlords known in the general parlance as “women.”
If you’re single, come celebrate V-Day with me. Don’t sit at home depressed because you’re all alone. Instead, meet me at the bar where we’ll do shots and toast to not having to worry about what time we get home; to not having to pretend to love the ballet; to not having to dress up; to drinking more than just one half a bottle of wine; to Wendy’s and Krystal instead of some fancy French shit; to liquor and beer instead of wine; to our own wants, needs, and desires instead of someone else’s; to whatever the fuck you want, because that’s all that matters.
This V-Day isn’t for you. It’s for me.
Seriously though, I’ll be at the bar tonight. Come have a few with me. I won’t be dressed up, and I won’t buy you jack shit. But we’ll still have fun.
posted by Naked Drinking Coffee at 2/14/2007 12:14:00 PM
<< Home