Fantasies
We all have fantasies. And I don’t mean dreaming of banging twelve Victoria Secret’s models at the same time while simultaneously dreaming that my cock has grown even larger than its already uncomfortably large self. I’m talking real fantasies; shit that matters. I’m talking fantasies such as locking Jeremy Blachman, Creed, Nickelback, and Evanescence into 16X16 steel cage and letting everyone fight it out to the death. Then, when the last person to survive is convinced he is going to emerge victorious, we will open the cage, let him out, and then shoot him in the fucking heart and watch him die.
If I’m feeling extremely greedy this fantasy also includes Linkin Park, Gary Cherone, and Lars Ulrich’s drum sound from St. Anger.
Expressing fantasies (or really, anything) while in the bedroom (or really, anywhere) tends to end badly for me because, contrary to popular belief, I do not actually say the first sexual comment that comes to mind no matter the situation. While this is true many times more than necessary, my responses to specific statements, questions, and inquiries can be determined solely by looking at the Humorous Response Predictor (patent pending; awesomeness already certified).
This HRP, as I like to call it, is a shockingly simple device (not easy to make, mind you; or reverse engineer (I hope); or sell to the Asians (fuck); but simple to explain (how many more parentheticals can I fit inside the outermost parentheticals of this sentence; I’m guessing four); and I’ll tell you how in a minute (my cock is huge); hold your horses (or my huge cock; fuck; I was off by two)). I’m not positive, but if you take the previous sentence and solve for x, I think the answer is eighteen (show your work).
Back to the point, every time anyone says anything to and/or around me the HRP, which is hooked directly into my brain (some people contend it is my brain; but my brain’s a selfish dick), begins whirring. In the span of four tenths of a second my mind processes the data. Following the processing of the raw data my mind automatically follows a flow chart of sorts: 1) Does my mind have a potentially funny/witty/sarcastic/etc. response to the statement which was made to and/or around me?
This leads to: 2) If the answer to the first inquiry is “no,” continue ignoring everyone until you are once more the focus of the conversation. If the answer to the first inquiry is “yes” then proceed to the next inquiry: What is the chance that making the potentially funny/witty/sarcastic/etc. remark will result in the possibility of laughter, chuckling, disappointed groaning, chortling, etc. by anyone close enough to hear the remark?
Which leads to: 3) If the chance of a possible favorable response (which I like to call the “Humor Possibility Quotient,” or “HPQ”) is greater than zero in any miniscule way, then proceed with the comment. If the HPQ is equal to or less than zero, then abort the comment and return to the “no” instruction in number 2.
And finally: 4) This is a safety provision for my own protection (and you didn’t think I would have an odd numbered inquiry here, did you?). The final question before speaking is whether or not the potential comment involves, in any way whatsoever, an odd number. If the answer is “no” then proceed with making comment as originally planned. If the answer is “yes” then abort the comment and continue drinking until you cannot count up to any odd numbers.
The HRP, commonly referred to by people in the know as the “Humor Trumps All Theorem” operates very quickly and very efficiently. It does its job extremely well and has never failed me. The only possible downside from the HRP occurs when the HPQ is erroneously calculated as being greater than zero. This results in the occurrence of, what a layman would call, an “unfunny joke.” But as anyone who’s anyone knows, approximately 80% of comedy and humor is timing. Thus, when the HRP overestimates the HPQ the joke is not inherently unfunny and may be recycled or reused at a later date with better timing. Of course, every miscalculation of the HPQ makes future calculations of the HPQ even more reliable. This leads to, of course, the natural conclusion that I will eventually one day rule the world and everything upon it.
And once I rule the world I’m building a fucking 16X16 steel cage.
If I’m feeling extremely greedy this fantasy also includes Linkin Park, Gary Cherone, and Lars Ulrich’s drum sound from St. Anger.
Expressing fantasies (or really, anything) while in the bedroom (or really, anywhere) tends to end badly for me because, contrary to popular belief, I do not actually say the first sexual comment that comes to mind no matter the situation. While this is true many times more than necessary, my responses to specific statements, questions, and inquiries can be determined solely by looking at the Humorous Response Predictor (patent pending; awesomeness already certified).
This HRP, as I like to call it, is a shockingly simple device (not easy to make, mind you; or reverse engineer (I hope); or sell to the Asians (fuck); but simple to explain (how many more parentheticals can I fit inside the outermost parentheticals of this sentence; I’m guessing four); and I’ll tell you how in a minute (my cock is huge); hold your horses (or my huge cock; fuck; I was off by two)). I’m not positive, but if you take the previous sentence and solve for x, I think the answer is eighteen (show your work).
Back to the point, every time anyone says anything to and/or around me the HRP, which is hooked directly into my brain (some people contend it is my brain; but my brain’s a selfish dick), begins whirring. In the span of four tenths of a second my mind processes the data. Following the processing of the raw data my mind automatically follows a flow chart of sorts: 1) Does my mind have a potentially funny/witty/sarcastic/etc. response to the statement which was made to and/or around me?
This leads to: 2) If the answer to the first inquiry is “no,” continue ignoring everyone until you are once more the focus of the conversation. If the answer to the first inquiry is “yes” then proceed to the next inquiry: What is the chance that making the potentially funny/witty/sarcastic/etc. remark will result in the possibility of laughter, chuckling, disappointed groaning, chortling, etc. by anyone close enough to hear the remark?
Which leads to: 3) If the chance of a possible favorable response (which I like to call the “Humor Possibility Quotient,” or “HPQ”) is greater than zero in any miniscule way, then proceed with the comment. If the HPQ is equal to or less than zero, then abort the comment and return to the “no” instruction in number 2.
And finally: 4) This is a safety provision for my own protection (and you didn’t think I would have an odd numbered inquiry here, did you?). The final question before speaking is whether or not the potential comment involves, in any way whatsoever, an odd number. If the answer is “no” then proceed with making comment as originally planned. If the answer is “yes” then abort the comment and continue drinking until you cannot count up to any odd numbers.
The HRP, commonly referred to by people in the know as the “Humor Trumps All Theorem” operates very quickly and very efficiently. It does its job extremely well and has never failed me. The only possible downside from the HRP occurs when the HPQ is erroneously calculated as being greater than zero. This results in the occurrence of, what a layman would call, an “unfunny joke.” But as anyone who’s anyone knows, approximately 80% of comedy and humor is timing. Thus, when the HRP overestimates the HPQ the joke is not inherently unfunny and may be recycled or reused at a later date with better timing. Of course, every miscalculation of the HPQ makes future calculations of the HPQ even more reliable. This leads to, of course, the natural conclusion that I will eventually one day rule the world and everything upon it.
And once I rule the world I’m building a fucking 16X16 steel cage.
posted by Naked Drinking Coffee at 2/05/2007 02:02:00 PM
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