Why I Should Never Have Kids

Little Shit: Hey daddy?
NDC: Hang on baby. [Lighter lights; sound of burning, then bubbling water, then inhalation; silence for five seconds; large exhale followed by coughing fit lasting two minutes]
Little Shit: Are you ok daddy?
NDC: [Cough] Yes I’m fine. Will you run and grab me a beer?
Little Shit: Sure dad.
NDC: [Shouting] Actually, just go and bring me the whole case.
Little Shit: Here you go.
NDC: Thanks. Now what did you want?
Little Shit: Why does mommy call you a loser?
NDC: Well, that’s because your mother is a whore with exceedingly high expectations. [Sound of razor blade on a mirror; snorting; snorting; snorting]
Little Shit: A whore? Is that the same thing as Aunt Sally?
NDC: Yeah. They both get it from your Grandmother, who was also pretty loose back in the day.
Little Shit: Oh. Mommy says you drink too much.
NDC: Your mother is just mad that every time she drinks she ends up banging some random dude (or dudes) in the back of their pickup truck outside the bar.
Little Shit: What’s banging?
NDC: It’s what women do to make men happy. The only problem is that when your mom is a part of it the men aren’t “happy” as much as they are “now infected with multiple diseases.”
Little Shit: Bad diseases?
NDC: Are they any other kind?
Little Shit: I guess not.
NDC: But her diseases are even worse than normal diseases. They make you burn when you pee, causes open sores on your special parts, and, eventually, end up killing you slowly while you spend a thousand bucks a month on medication that does nothing but minutely prolong your sorry excuse for a life.
Little Shit: Wow. I had no idea.
NDC: Yeah. Don’t believe everything your mother tells you. She’s kind of biased. And extremely full of shit.
Little Shit: What?
NDC: She seriously tells lies all the fucking time. I bet she told you that you were a planned pregnancy, didn’t she?
Little Shit: Yeah; why?
NDC: Because you were totally an accident. Do you really think that either of us want kids?
Little Shit: I hadn’t really thought about it.
NDC: Well the answer is fuck no!
Little Shit: Wow.
NDC: The only reason your mother actually gave birth to you is because I was too drunk to pull out and she claimed she was too “religious” to have an abortion.
Little Shit: Oh.
NDC: Of course, take note of the fact that two months later she wasn’t too “religious” to fuck nine guys at the same time in the bathroom of a seedy club.
Little Shit: What club?
NDC: I’ll take you when you’re older. It’s a lot of fun.
Little Shit: I bet.
NDC: I mean fuck, where do you think I met your mother to begin with?
Little Shit: Oh. Is that why you and mommy don’t live together or talk anymore?
NDC: Not at all. The reason I don’t talk to your mommy is because she found it exceedingly difficult to go more than sixty minutes without either sucking a stranger’s cock or having sex for money.
Little Shit: I didn’t know that.
NDC: Why do you think your mother always tells you to go play in your room or outside when company comes over?
Little Shit: [Silence]
NDC: I know; it’s pretty fucked up. Fuck; I’m out of crack.
Little Shit: What?
NDC: Nothing kiddo. Do you think you can take care of yourself for about thirty minutes while daddy runs out?
Little Shit: I think so.
NDC: How old are you again?
Little Shit: [Holds up four fingers] This many.
NDC: Yeah; you’ll be just fucking fine. You know where the beer is if you want one, right?
Little Shit: Yup.
NDC: You remember the main rule though, don’t you?
Little Shit: Of course daddy: “No liquor or cigarettes until I’m ten years old.”
NDC: Awesome. I’ll be back in a few.

Why I Should Never Have Kids: Number 1