New Year
Obviously this year is going to suck. Not because of the bar exam; not because I’ll be unemployed until 2014; not because of the rash on my left nut that won’t go away. No; it’s going to suck because it’s an odd numbered year. Thank god there’s only one odd number though (let me tell you; 1997 sucked more than deciding Gary Cherone would be a great replacement singer).
Now is the time of the year that many people make those creatively titled “New Year’s Resolutions.” I, however, have resisted. At this point I have a twenty-three year long streak of making no resolutions whatsoever. At the time of this writing I have successfully adhered to and completed every last one of resolutions. That’s a 100% success rate for all the readers in law school. I have various reasons for not making resolutions, but frankly none of them matter and none of them are funny. Not that anything else I write is actually funny, but that’s not the fucking point; assholes.
Being the open-minded liberal that I am, I will try anything once. Actually, I’ll try anything twice just to make sure the first time wasn’t a fluke. Because of my willingness to experiment I now know that things I do not enjoy include anything inserted into my anus, sex with animals (both under and over one hundred pounds), masturbating with my left hand, mixing heroin, LSD, crack, and mushrooms, Moulin Rouge, Scott Stapp (yeah; I tried listening to that shit twice and I didn’t die; I must be immortal), onions, religion, the word “ya’ll,” and Buddhists (don’t ask; it involves me, a monk, a fire poker, and twelve hours spent in the ER).
So fuck it. Here are NDC’s New Year’s Resolutions for the year 2007:
Attempt to avoid death
In the alternative, if I do die, I resolve to die in a really fucking awesome way that lands me on the front page of national news
Don’t shave my balls; not that I ever have shaved my balls, but I trimmed them once; this has been an unofficial rule in my life since approximately five days after that trimming
Have more of my hot female fans send me hot naked pictures of themselves for my, um, “personal use;” really; come on; help me out ladies
Continue to impress random people with my drinking prowess
Continue to impress random people with my uncomfortably large cock
Stop exposing myself to children
Either stop driving a van, or paint over the “free candy” which is currently on the side
Exercise for at least twelve minutes at least once every three-hundred-sixty-five-days (added difficulty: masturbation does not count)
Now is the time of the year that many people make those creatively titled “New Year’s Resolutions.” I, however, have resisted. At this point I have a twenty-three year long streak of making no resolutions whatsoever. At the time of this writing I have successfully adhered to and completed every last one of resolutions. That’s a 100% success rate for all the readers in law school. I have various reasons for not making resolutions, but frankly none of them matter and none of them are funny. Not that anything else I write is actually funny, but that’s not the fucking point; assholes.
Being the open-minded liberal that I am, I will try anything once. Actually, I’ll try anything twice just to make sure the first time wasn’t a fluke. Because of my willingness to experiment I now know that things I do not enjoy include anything inserted into my anus, sex with animals (both under and over one hundred pounds), masturbating with my left hand, mixing heroin, LSD, crack, and mushrooms, Moulin Rouge, Scott Stapp (yeah; I tried listening to that shit twice and I didn’t die; I must be immortal), onions, religion, the word “ya’ll,” and Buddhists (don’t ask; it involves me, a monk, a fire poker, and twelve hours spent in the ER).
So fuck it. Here are NDC’s New Year’s Resolutions for the year 2007:
posted by Naked Drinking Coffee at 1/12/2007 08:37:00 AM
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