My Mother Still Hates Me

What better way to break my near month long silence than to remind everyone that my mother does indeed still hate me.

[On Christmas day; opening a present from my parents but, I’m sure, purchased by my father]
Mom: What is it?
NDC: It’s a book: “The God Delusion.”
Mom: What’s that about?
[It is important to note here that my mother is a very religious person; she goes to church every Sunday, volunteers at the church and does god knows what else there; needless to say, when I told her I was an atheist she wasn’t too happy; but that’s not the point; just remember she’s very religious]
NDC: Well, [begins reading from the book jacket] “A preeminent scientist – and the world’s most prominent atheist – asserts the irrationality of belief in god and the grievous harm religion has inflicted on society, from the Crusades to 9/11.”
Mom: [Sigh]
NDC: [Continues] “With rigor and wit, Dawkins examines god in all his forms, from the sex-obsessed tyrant of the Old Testament to the more benign (but still illogical) Celestial Watchmaker favored by some Enlightenment thinkers. He eviscerates the major arguments for religion and demonstrates the supreme improbability of a supreme being. He shows how religion fuels war, foments bigotry, and abuses children, buttressing his points with historical and contemporary evidence. ‘The God Delusion’ makes a compelling case that belief in god is not just wrong but potentially deadly. It also offers exhilarating insight into the advantages of atheism to the individual and society, not the least of which is a clearer, truer appreciation of the universe’s wonders than any faith could ever muster.”
Mom: [Silence coupled with a look of sorrow and disappointment]

Lord does she love me. I’d even bet she wants me to visit more often.

The following conversation occurred at some point pretty late in the night after I decided it would be a great idea to polish off a third of a handle of Bourbon that night.

NDC + Bourbon + Talking to his mother = Bad news for everyone involved. Except you, you voyeristic whores.

[Talking about The Bitch and how she was a bitch and somewhat controlling
Mom: I just don’t like the way she treated you.
NDC: No; I agree; she was a total bitch.
Mom: Oh hush.
NDC: No; she was a bitch. She was a cunt.
Mom: Then why did you stay with her?
Brother: [Starts laughing]
NDC: [Knowingly looks at Brother] Do you really want to know?
Mom: Yes!
NDC: She put out.

Why my mother hates me: Number 1; Number 2; Number 3; Number 4; Number 5; Number 6