Walked Right Into It

I have this problem. Actually, I have many problems but that’s not the point. Actually, I don’t even think this is a problem so let’s just forget about my problems (hint: drinking helps you forget).

I like to lie to people I don’t know. But only when I’m drinking. Or bored. Or when the sun is at the center of the solar system. Basically, it’s just an exercise to see if I can convince this random person whom I’ve never met of some weird thing. This will frequently involve my name, where I’m from, where I live, and what I do for a living. All I’ve really learned from this is either 1) I’m very good at lying and convincing people of things; or Q) most people are way too trusting and gullible.

For example, I once convinced someone that I had just moved down here from Alaska where I used to be an oil driller in charge of “viscosity and valve management.” And that I was thirty-five years old but that I looked younger because the cold in Alaska preserved my boyish good looks.

That guy was a dumbass.

Then there’s the guy from a few nights ago. He was just being nice in asking me my name after hearing me make some joke or berate some hooker on the street. I was drunk and bored so I told him my name was Bob Jones.

Him: Hey man; what’s your name?
“Bob Jones”: Bob.
Him: Bob what?
“Bob Jones”: Bob Jones.
Him: Are you serious?
“Bob Jones”: Yeah, why?
Him: You don’t actually meet people named Bob Jones
“Bob Jones”: Well, tonight you do.
Him: What’s your middle name?
“Bob Jones”: Steven.
Him: Seriously?
“Bob Jones”: Yeah man. What can I say, my parents did way too few mind altering substances when they were naming me.
Him: It’s just such a normal name.
“Bob Jones”: Dude, I don’t tell your mom how to suck dick; so don't tell my parents how to name kids.
Him: [Blank look] It’s just that you don’t look like a Bob Jones.
“Bob Jones”: What your name man?
Him: [We’ll call him “James” because I don’t remember his name at all. – Ed.] James.
“Bob Jones”: Huh.
Him: You really don’t look like a Bob Jones.
“Bob Jones”: I know; I get that a lot.
Him: Really?
“Bob Jones”: Yeah. It’s alright though, you don’t look like a James at all.
Him: I don’t?
“Bob Jones”: Nah man. You look much more like a DICK.
Everyone else: [Laughter]