Job Application Process
Dear Judge Judy,
My name is Naked Drinking Coffee and I will (hopefully) graduate from law school in May of 2007. I have been an avid fan of your show for many years now. I enjoy your style of judging and your no bullshit attitude. In addition, I enjoy the title of your book “Don’t Pee On My Leg and Tell Me It’s Raining.” While I’ve never read the book (not enough pictures for me), I’m a big proponent of honesty in sexual practices. Every time I have ever engaged in water-sports in the bedroom I have never tried to tell the woman it was raining. Some people claim that this is because we were usually inside, but it is really due to my integrity and honesty which pervade in all situations.
The reason I write to you today is in the hopes that you are looking for a law clerk. While law school students across the country dream of clerking for the Supreme Court, a Court of Appeals or other so called “prestigious clerkship guaranteed to get you a job making twelve billion dollars a year and seven penthouse pets as girlfriends,” I can think of no clerkship or job that would be more prestigious or beneficial than one with the famed and highly regarded Judge Judy.
There are several reasons why I believe I would be perfect for the job. First of all, I look damn good in all of the following clothing styles:
Suits – I make that shit work
Judicial robes – just in case you ever fall ill or if you wish to coordinate our outfits; I’ll even go buy the bedazzler so you can Rehnquist your robe out
Bailiff’s uniform – I look extra sexy with a badge and a gun; I am also willing to shoot anyone that gets out of hand and fails to respect Judge Judy
Additionally, I respect your no bullshit attitude and frequently use your brutal honesty as an example in my own life. Some people mistake my striving for honesty to instead be my being “tactless” and “an asshole.” I defend myself in the same way I respond to my accusers: my accusers are all fucking nut jobs whose fingers number higher than their IQs; they should drive metal spikes into their heads in order to make the world a better place.
While I may not be in the top ten percent of my law school class I urge you to look past my grades to the qualities and experience I possess that cannot be measured by grades. For example, I have many years experience yelling at people and calling them dumbasses for making stupid decisions. I also frequently talk down to people because I know I am better than them; this skill is especially handy when dealing with teenagers and minorities.
There is nothing I love more in this world than putting teenagers in their place. If you were to hire me as a law clerk you would never have to sentence anyone to boot camp ever again. I look amazing in camo while carrying an M-16 and I have the ability to scream at the top of my lungs for prolonged periods of time in order to instill fear in adolescents. I also like to hit children.
Seriously, I love hitting kids. You know that whole “spare the rod spoil the child” mentality? Yeah, I totally agree with that. In fact, I like to smack the fuck out of kids even if they haven’t done anything wrong; just to keep them on their toes, you know what I’m saying? If they know they can get beat with a vacuum cleaner at any time then they’ll always be on their best behavior. Plus, they’ll want to vacuum all the time because they can’t get hit with it if they’re vacuuming. Or at least that’s what they think; because I have a second industrial sized vacuum I keep hidden for the punks that think they can avoid getting beat just by vacuuming. And if I can’t get to the backup vacuum, there’s always my car.
In summation, it is obvious that I would be a perfect match for this job. Our styles would mesh well together and, let’s face it, you’re getting kind of old and won’t be around forever. It’s about time you started training your replacement.
Although once you kick the bucket I’ll probably have to rename the show to something without “Judy” in the title. That would just confuse people. And really, not that you aren’t gorgeous, because you are, but I’m pretty sure nobody would tune in to watch a show entitled “Judge Naked Drinking Judy” or “Judge Judy Naked Drinking” or really just “Judge Judy.”
Wait, except for that last one; people definitely love the title Judge Judy. I know I do. Please hire me.
With warmest fingerbangings,
Mr. Naked Drinking Coffee
P.S. I’ll go down on you if you hire me.
My name is Naked Drinking Coffee and I will (hopefully) graduate from law school in May of 2007. I have been an avid fan of your show for many years now. I enjoy your style of judging and your no bullshit attitude. In addition, I enjoy the title of your book “Don’t Pee On My Leg and Tell Me It’s Raining.” While I’ve never read the book (not enough pictures for me), I’m a big proponent of honesty in sexual practices. Every time I have ever engaged in water-sports in the bedroom I have never tried to tell the woman it was raining. Some people claim that this is because we were usually inside, but it is really due to my integrity and honesty which pervade in all situations.
The reason I write to you today is in the hopes that you are looking for a law clerk. While law school students across the country dream of clerking for the Supreme Court, a Court of Appeals or other so called “prestigious clerkship guaranteed to get you a job making twelve billion dollars a year and seven penthouse pets as girlfriends,” I can think of no clerkship or job that would be more prestigious or beneficial than one with the famed and highly regarded Judge Judy.
There are several reasons why I believe I would be perfect for the job. First of all, I look damn good in all of the following clothing styles:
Additionally, I respect your no bullshit attitude and frequently use your brutal honesty as an example in my own life. Some people mistake my striving for honesty to instead be my being “tactless” and “an asshole.” I defend myself in the same way I respond to my accusers: my accusers are all fucking nut jobs whose fingers number higher than their IQs; they should drive metal spikes into their heads in order to make the world a better place.
While I may not be in the top ten percent of my law school class I urge you to look past my grades to the qualities and experience I possess that cannot be measured by grades. For example, I have many years experience yelling at people and calling them dumbasses for making stupid decisions. I also frequently talk down to people because I know I am better than them; this skill is especially handy when dealing with teenagers and minorities.
There is nothing I love more in this world than putting teenagers in their place. If you were to hire me as a law clerk you would never have to sentence anyone to boot camp ever again. I look amazing in camo while carrying an M-16 and I have the ability to scream at the top of my lungs for prolonged periods of time in order to instill fear in adolescents. I also like to hit children.
Seriously, I love hitting kids. You know that whole “spare the rod spoil the child” mentality? Yeah, I totally agree with that. In fact, I like to smack the fuck out of kids even if they haven’t done anything wrong; just to keep them on their toes, you know what I’m saying? If they know they can get beat with a vacuum cleaner at any time then they’ll always be on their best behavior. Plus, they’ll want to vacuum all the time because they can’t get hit with it if they’re vacuuming. Or at least that’s what they think; because I have a second industrial sized vacuum I keep hidden for the punks that think they can avoid getting beat just by vacuuming. And if I can’t get to the backup vacuum, there’s always my car.
In summation, it is obvious that I would be a perfect match for this job. Our styles would mesh well together and, let’s face it, you’re getting kind of old and won’t be around forever. It’s about time you started training your replacement.
Although once you kick the bucket I’ll probably have to rename the show to something without “Judy” in the title. That would just confuse people. And really, not that you aren’t gorgeous, because you are, but I’m pretty sure nobody would tune in to watch a show entitled “Judge Naked Drinking Judy” or “Judge Judy Naked Drinking” or really just “Judge Judy.”
Wait, except for that last one; people definitely love the title Judge Judy. I know I do. Please hire me.
With warmest fingerbangings,
Mr. Naked Drinking Coffee
P.S. I’ll go down on you if you hire me.
posted by Naked Drinking Coffee at 10/16/2006 09:45:00 PM
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