I Don’t Belong In Law School

Second semester 1L year. That was when I really stopped giving a fuck. But there was no class I cared less about than legal research and writing. It was so dull; so mind numbingly boring. I fought with myself every class to stay awake. That entire semester I probably paid attention in class a total of sixteen minutes.

Our briefs were due in a week or so and we had been working on them for most of the semester. At least we were supposed to be working on them. Me? I hadn’t exactly “started” or “done much research” or “read the problem.” Some might say this is a problem. To those people I say, “go fuck yourself; it’s my hot body, I do what I want.” As part of this brief bullshit we were all required to do two rounds of oral argument for some contest where the prize is more work and more brief writing. Who wouldn’t want to win that?

In an effort to kill class time and “prepare” us for this oral argument the professor decides that we’re going to have mini oral arguments in class. The brief had two issues so she decides to pull four names out of a hat; one for each issue on the appellant’s side and one for each issue on the appellee’s side. Each name would argue one issue for about five minutes. I’m hoping like mad my name doesn’t get pulled because I have done absolutely no research and if she pulls my name I’m going to have a shitty couple of days. But since this is me I’m sure we can all see where this is going.

The professor starts pulling names for the first issue; I’m not sure, but I’m pretty sure I was writing for the appellant’s side. She pulls the name for the first issue; somehow it’s not my name. I’ve been granted a reprieve of about twelve seconds while she pulls the name for the other side.

Then she gets to the second issue for the appellant. Now, at this point in my life every single time my name has been put in a hat, a basket, or a hollowed out hookers skull my name has been pulled. Always. Every time. So I'm expecting the worst.

Of course the worst comes and she pulls out my name. Except she can't even pronounce my last name (long last name; polish last name; you do the math). Instead she just points and me and says, “Mr. [First letter of my last name].” I am, of course, pissed off; this means I'll have to do some extra work to put together this oral argument on top of the paper I still have to write (b/c I'm a procrastinator and haven't started it yet).

So I respond the only way I can (which I didn't mean to do, but was purely due to instinct). I look down at the table I'm sitting at and in the tone of voice that conveys my total irritation and complete disdain I speak: "Fuuuuuuuuck!"

The entire class turns around (I was sitting in the back of the room) and looks at me; there's silence for approximately two seconds before everyone in the class starts laughing their asses off. I’m initially confused because I can’t figure out why everyone’s laughing. Then it dawns on me what I just said. I look up at the professor to see what sort of response dropping the f-bomb in class will garner.

Except there’s no response. The entire class is laughing except for the first two rows and the professor. Apparently I cursed just quietly enough so that those in the second row and forward didn’t hear what I said. Including the professor.

The professor looks at me and asks, with a smile on her face, “What did you say?”

I respond, “Nothing. Sounds good. I’ll be ready.”

Oddly, or not so oddly I guess, this would not be the last time I cursed during class. Although I’m pretty sure it’s the only time the professor didn’t hear me.