My Mother Still Hates Me

No worries, nothing has changed. My mother still curses the day that she failed to abort me and decided instead that having a second child would be a good thing. Sure. Babies are good things. That’s what Rosemary said.

Never mind the fact that I was drunk for three days straight. Forget that fact that I finished a liter of Bourbon off in two days. Look past the fact that I was stumbling drunk not only during my brother’s graduation party, but also during his graduation. My mom told me I reeked of booze during graduation. That may have been due to the half a liter of Bourbon I had before graduation, or it might simply have been because she was sitting directly in front of me. According to my sister in law, our entire section stunk of alcohol. Go figure...

First, there was the discussion about my brother’s girlfriend and whether I had met her the last time I was up to visit. I did meet her over Christmas when my brother brought her over to my parents’ new house to see it. Last December the following conversation occurred:

Brother: And that’s the stove.
Brother’s Girlfriend: [Pointing to the stove ventilation thing] What’s this?
Brother: That’s the vent for the stove. It clears smoke and crap out of the room.
Brother’s Girlfriend: That’s pretty useless. All it does is suck a lot.
NDC: [Drunk at the time; looks at his mother; shit-eating grin spreads across his face]
Mother: [To NDC] You close your mouth and don’t say anything.
NDC: [Loud, long, continuous laughter]

Luckily, things haven’t changed at all. Somehow, my mom didn’t remember I had met my brother’s girlfriend. So we had this discussion

NDC: [Looking at brother’s prom picture on the fridge]
Mother: That’s [brother’s girlfriend].
NDC: I know.
Mother: How do you know? Did you meet her?
NDC: Yes, I met her.
Mother: When was that
NDC: Well, [brother] doesn’t know that I met her, but we sort of had a fling when I was up here last.
Mother: [Silence] Shut up.

Obviously my mom can’t get enough of me. Or she’s a glutton for punishment. Especially after another conversation. I was on the phone with a friend who lives near my parents and she was coming to my brother’s graduation party. She called the day before to see what time the party started. I didn’t know, so I went to ask my mom while I was still on the phone with my friend:

NDC: Hey mom, what time does [brother’s] party start tomorrow?
Mother: Is that [friend] on the phone?
NDC: No. It’s a phone sex line. I forgot to tell you that I was bringing a date to [brother’s] party.
Mother: [Silence]
NDC: I don’t know what her name is or even what she looks like but she’s very anxious to meet me and she sounds hot.
Mother: [Odd laughter]
NDC: You’ll know it’s her because she’ll be the one dressed up as a slutty nurse.
[Conversation about what time the party starts]
NDC: It starts at one.
Friend: Do you just tell your mom what I think you did?
NDC: Wait? Which part?
Friend: The part where you told her you were on the phone with a phone sex line?
NDC: Oh. Yeah. Why?
Friend: [Silence]

Everyone loves NDC.

Except his mother.

Why my mother hates me: Number 1; Number 2; Number 3; Number 4