Conversation I Wish I Had

Them: What are you doing this summer?
Me: Taking a class and doing a supervised research.
Them: You didn’t get a job?
Me: Fuck no.
Them: Why not?
Me: Because all the law firms discriminate.
Them: But, NDC, you’re...you’re white.
Me: I know. That wasn’t what it was.
Them: Was it because you’re a male? Like some reverse discrimination to get women into the workplace?
Me: No. Not that either.
Them: Discrimination against atheists?
Me: Nope.
Them: I swear to god, if this is just some set up for an “I have a big dick” joke I’m going to be sorely disappointed.
Me: That’s not it at all.
Them: Well then how the fuck did they discriminate against you? The beard? Are they anti-lumberjack?
Me: No; not at all.
Them: Well?
Me: They only hire people who take the time to apply for a summer position and attempt to get an interview.
Them: [Silence.]
Me: [Silence.]
Them: [Longer silence.]
Me: [Even longer silence.]
Them: You’re a douche.
Me: And also...
Them: Yeah?
Me: In an attempt to keep the Jewish partners from feeling insecure...
Them: Yeah?
Me: They refused to hire anyone with dick longer than six inches.
Them: [Sigh]
Me: Sorry. I couldn’t help myself.
Them: Fuck off.
Me: I lied. I’m not sorry.