NDC Does A Take Home Exam

This goddamn take home is due at 4:00 tomorrow (well, today now) afternoon. I’ve had the exam for about three and a half weeks now. I finally read through it for the first time on Wednesday. I finally started working on it today (well, yesterday) at around four or five. And by “working” I mean “procrastinating.” Just to show you how a professional slacker does a take home, here is basically how this has gone down:

Wednesday

Went to school around noon in order to get a professor to sign my form for the supervised research project I’m doing over the summer

Meander into the library will the full intent of getting some of this exam done

Fucked around online for a solid hour and half

Finally read through the exam

Fucked around online for another half hour

A friend is walking out of the library and sees me sitting at a table; he gives me an odd look right before asking “What the hell are you doing here?”

I decide to deal with the exam later and I head my ass home

I have no idea what I did that night. All the days kind of run together. I might have went out; I may have just sat on my ass in front of the TV for the rest of the night. Whatever.

Thursday

I’m not positive, but I’m pretty sure that I did not do a goddamn thing the entire day. I watched a shitload of crappy TV, fucked around on the internet, watched some baseball, took a nap, watched some more TV, then went to bed. Most productive day ever. Ever.

Friday

I have no idea what time I woke up. But it was late enough that I didn’t even bother pretending like I was going to get any work done

Eventually I took a shower because it was a friend’s birthday and we were going drinking

Headed over to my friend’s place at around 5:30; this left about two hours to pre-drink there before we went to the bowling alley

I crammed a lot of drinking into that two hours. I’ll be damned if I’m going to go to a birthday party sober

I ended up just as drunk (if not more drunk) than the birthday boy; I have mad skills

For anyone looking for a fun way to get more drunk, try chasing a shot with another shot; it will not disappoint

We finally leave and I can barely stand up; I climb into passenger seat of the car where I promptly pass the fuck out

I wake up just as we’re pulling into the driveway which causes me to rocket out of the car and promptly get into a fight with the front door

I eventually won the fight; after about 50 seconds

Head straight to bed and pass the fuck out

Saturday

Wake up groggy as hell around noon; realize I have a graduation party for a friend in two hours; try to tell myself I won’t get drunk so that I can work on the exam whenever I get home

Get to the party and make a screwdriver; fuck sober; fuck exams; fuck law school

Try to keep myself from getting plastered because the friend’s parents are there

Shit; I made those screwdrivers pretty strong; those first three weren’t too bad, but these last four have tasted oddly like straight vodka;

Hello plastered. My name is NDC; it’s nice to see you again

The Mom Burn: somehow the topic of how I’m going to do public defense work comes up; not too long after that the topic of how my mother is a prostitute comes up (because someone had to pay the bills when I was growing up); right after some comment about how my mom’s a hooker her mom chimes in with “I guess that’s why you want to be a public defender.” Ouch. The often heard of and much feared mom burn

I stop trying to maintain whatever little bit of dignity I have left at this point; proceed directly to shitfaced; do not pass go; do not collect $200

Sometime in there we leave; I’ve done nothing but pace around outside, drink, and chain smoke for about six straight hours; it’s been a good day

Oh shit; the birthday boy from Friday has an almost full bottle of Jager that he’s going to bring back to my place; there’s no way that three people will finish that off; besides, I have to wake up early tomorrow to start and finish my exam

Fuck me. The Jager’s gone; tomorrow is going to suck

I go to bed and pass the fuck out around three in the morning

Sunday

Fucking hell; it’s already noon and I’m just waking up? I should get right to work

Fuck around online; masturbate; check baseball scores; smoke; talk to roommate; fuck around online; masturbate; masturbate; baseball scores; masturbate;

Lather, rinse, repeat

Fuck; It’s been four hours; realize that I’ve done no work on the exam whatsoever aside from creating a file in Word

Get the exam out of my bookbag; now I’m ready to go

Shit; I should probably call my mom now before I forget

Jesus christ; 45 minutes on the phone??

Back to the internet

Finally answer two questions; I’m now approximately 1/10th done; I deserve a break

Mix of procrastination and actual work

And that’s pretty much been the past week. I now have about twelve hours left to work on this piece of shit before I get to turn it in. And then come back home. And start studying for my last exam on Tuesday. That’s right; I haven’t started studying yet; fuck you.

I’m sure I’ll get plenty of studying in tomorrow. Although it is 60 true or false; so maybe not.

Almost a 3L. Fully resigned to the fact that I’ll be working at McDonald’s for the rest of my life. Or I’ll run away to a country where the federal government can’t find me. Student loans don’t count if the government doesn’t know where I am...