Miles Kendall Is A Douche
I received an e-mail the other day. I was confused at first. Then I was intrigued. Then I just started laughing. Then I couldn’t stop laughing. Then I got drunk (that had nothing to do with the e-mail but I just felt like letting you know). Unless you are a complete moron and a douche (like Miles Kendall) you can probably take a guess who this email was from. That’s right: Miles Kendall (a.k.a. Douche).
On May 3, 2004 (yes, that’s right, over a year ago) I wrote this post. In the relevant portion, I said this:
Then I got this e-mail:
This left me with a few different ways to respond. I could: A) Send him back an e-mail and apologize for being so insensitive; B) Send him back an e-mail and tell him to suck a dick; C) Take the high road and just ignore him completely; D) Post his email (read the Disclaimer; item number five Douche) so that everyone can see that he is a Douche and then post my response in public.
Guess which option I’m going with? I mean really, are A and C actually possibilities with me? And option D will be much more entertaining than option B. So let’s just break down the e-mail bit by bit. My comments are in the brackets (because brackets fucking rule) and in red:
"I recently saw this on your website and wanted to send you a quick email. [Well that's a nice way to start off the e-mail; very cordial and polite; whoever this is sounds like a nice man.] Your 'report' [I’m sorry, did I miss the part where my website began “reporting” anything? And you put “report” in quotes like I ever called that post (or any other post for that matter) a “report.” I mean, I know that NDC is where everyone turns to for hard hitting news stories, but for the love of fucking christ.] on Cindy Jackson & I [Not to be a grammar whore, but Cindy Jackson and me.] is so inaccurate it is beyond belief. [Once again, I’m not a reporter; I’m not researching or writing the stories on my own. In fact, I'm not writing the "reports" at all. That would by why there are quotes in the story. You see (and pay attention now), someone else fucking wrote the story. And is it really beyond belief? Because I can believe it. I can believe that the story (that someone else wrote) is true. I can also believe that the story (that someone else wrote) is inaccurate] 47 procedures? [That’s what the story said, so, yeah.] Me? [No, the other Miles Kendall that hangs out with Cindy Jackson.] You HAVE to be joking, right? [Um, no. I don’t HAVE to be anything. And you don’t know me, so what makes you so sure that I’m joking? Is it because you are so fucking awesome? Because that’s a fucking joke.] Just so you know, I have had TWO operations in TOTAL. [Does this include your lobotomy?] Where you saw this crap I do not know, [Um, the link that was at the top of the story. I know it’s gone now, but it was actually a story. I know that we have no relationship (and I know that you’re a Douche) and thus you have no reason to trust me, but go fuck yourself.] but it certainly is bullshit. [If it were certainly bullshit, I probably wouldn’t have said anything. But it isn't certainly bullshit. Considering how many operations Cindy Jackson has had, I found it quite likely that it was true. But if you say it’s not true and that you’ve only had two operations, I’ll believe you. So here’s an apology for you: Dear Douche: You are a Douche. And I’m sorry. I’m also sorry about the incorrect story (which I didn’t write) that a total of fourteen people saw. Smooches, NDC. XOXOXO]
If you'd gone to Cindy Jackson's website or mine, there alone you would find the FACTS. [This is interesting. Why would I go to Cindy Jackson's website for facts about you? That seems kind of counterintuitive, but whatever. And your website doesn’t have any facts about your surgeries at all. All it has is a biography about how great you are, some pictures and video, some links, and a way to contact your press office. Plus, because it is your website (or Cindy’s; whatever man) I’m not that trusting of your objectivity. Whatever though.]
By the way, my grandparents left me a substantial amount of money. [Good for you. You are now a bigger Douche than I thought you were before. I didn’t think you could do it, but you did. Congratulations.] What I've spent is only a fraction of the total. [Did somebody ask how much of the total money you spent on the surgery? I didn’t think so. In addition, any amount less than the total amount they left you is a fraction of the total. Let me dumb this one down for you: To make it easy, let’s assume they left you $1,000,000. Let’s say that you spent $999,999 of that on surgery. That would mean that you spent 999,999/1,000,000 (which is a fraction of the total amount) on the surgery. Now, even though that would be a fraction, that is still most of the money. I’m guessing that you meant to say that you spent only a small fraction of the total amount. That would be something completely different. I mean, you’d still be a Douche, but it would be different.] What I do with my money is my business, ok buddy? [I never said it was anyone else’s business. I was simply judging you for taking a gift from your grandparents and using it for something completely and utterly superficial. It’s not my business at all, but it is one of the things that makes you a Douche.] No one tells you how you can spend yours do they? [How do you know that? That’s pretty presumptive of you. Maybe my money is held in a trust and I need approval for all my expenses. Maybe my bank tells me that I can’t write checks if I don’t have the money to cover them. Maybe your mother tells me that I have to spend it on condoms if I want to fuck her. You don’t know if anyone tells me how to spend my money, do you, buddy? By the way, if you want to know if anyone tells me how to spend my money, the FACTS can be found on Cindy Jackson's website.] Oh and I spent £50,000 not $$$. [Once again, (and this is the last time I’m going to say this) I didn’t write the motherfucking story. Douche. And what is the exchange rate for three dollar signs?]
Have a nice life. [Thanks for the well wishes.] I'm enjoying mine. [Nobody asked if you were, you pompous asshole. Even more important, nobody gives a flying fuck.]"
Well that was fun.
Douche.
On May 3, 2004 (yes, that’s right, over a year ago) I wrote this post. In the relevant portion, I said this:
“Read about The Real Life Barbie Dolls.The link to the story doesn’t work anymore, but that really doesn’t have anything to do with anything.
That is some crazy shit. One woman wanting to look like Barbie wasn't enough?? She needs a Ken to go with her as well?
‘Cindy Jackson and Miles Kendall have spent about $300,000 transforming themselves into copies of the best-selling dolls, undergoing 89 operations - ranging from jaw implants and chemical peels to liposuction... Miles Kendall has now undergone 47 procedures to craft his new look and spent $50,000 of an inheritance from his grandparents in the process.’
Gee, I bet his grandparents would be super proud if they could see what he did with their hard-earned money. Way to remember your grandparents buddy.”
Then I got this e-mail:
“I recently saw this on your website and wanted to send you a quick email. Your 'report' on Cindy Jackson & I is so inaccurate it is beyond belief. 47 procedures? Me? You HAVE to be joking, right? Just so you know, I have had TWO operations in TOTAL. Where you saw this crap I do not know, but it certainly is bullshit.Well that wasn’t very nice.
If you'd gone to Cindy Jackson's website or mine, there alone you would find the FACTS.
By the way, my grandparents left me a substantial amount of money. What I've spent is only a fraction of the total. What I do with my money is my business, ok buddy? No one tells you how you can spend yours do they? Oh and I spent £50,000 not $$$.
Have a nice life. I'm enjoying mine.”
This left me with a few different ways to respond. I could: A) Send him back an e-mail and apologize for being so insensitive; B) Send him back an e-mail and tell him to suck a dick; C) Take the high road and just ignore him completely; D) Post his email (read the Disclaimer; item number five Douche) so that everyone can see that he is a Douche and then post my response in public.
Guess which option I’m going with? I mean really, are A and C actually possibilities with me? And option D will be much more entertaining than option B. So let’s just break down the e-mail bit by bit. My comments are in the brackets (because brackets fucking rule) and in red:
"I recently saw this on your website and wanted to send you a quick email. [Well that's a nice way to start off the e-mail; very cordial and polite; whoever this is sounds like a nice man.] Your 'report' [I’m sorry, did I miss the part where my website began “reporting” anything? And you put “report” in quotes like I ever called that post (or any other post for that matter) a “report.” I mean, I know that NDC is where everyone turns to for hard hitting news stories, but for the love of fucking christ.] on Cindy Jackson & I [Not to be a grammar whore, but Cindy Jackson and me.] is so inaccurate it is beyond belief. [Once again, I’m not a reporter; I’m not researching or writing the stories on my own. In fact, I'm not writing the "reports" at all. That would by why there are quotes in the story. You see (and pay attention now), someone else fucking wrote the story. And is it really beyond belief? Because I can believe it. I can believe that the story (that someone else wrote) is true. I can also believe that the story (that someone else wrote) is inaccurate] 47 procedures? [That’s what the story said, so, yeah.] Me? [No, the other Miles Kendall that hangs out with Cindy Jackson.] You HAVE to be joking, right? [Um, no. I don’t HAVE to be anything. And you don’t know me, so what makes you so sure that I’m joking? Is it because you are so fucking awesome? Because that’s a fucking joke.] Just so you know, I have had TWO operations in TOTAL. [Does this include your lobotomy?] Where you saw this crap I do not know, [Um, the link that was at the top of the story. I know it’s gone now, but it was actually a story. I know that we have no relationship (and I know that you’re a Douche) and thus you have no reason to trust me, but go fuck yourself.] but it certainly is bullshit. [If it were certainly bullshit, I probably wouldn’t have said anything. But it isn't certainly bullshit. Considering how many operations Cindy Jackson has had, I found it quite likely that it was true. But if you say it’s not true and that you’ve only had two operations, I’ll believe you. So here’s an apology for you: Dear Douche: You are a Douche. And I’m sorry. I’m also sorry about the incorrect story (which I didn’t write) that a total of fourteen people saw. Smooches, NDC. XOXOXO]
If you'd gone to Cindy Jackson's website or mine, there alone you would find the FACTS. [This is interesting. Why would I go to Cindy Jackson's website for facts about you? That seems kind of counterintuitive, but whatever. And your website doesn’t have any facts about your surgeries at all. All it has is a biography about how great you are, some pictures and video, some links, and a way to contact your press office. Plus, because it is your website (or Cindy’s; whatever man) I’m not that trusting of your objectivity. Whatever though.]
By the way, my grandparents left me a substantial amount of money. [Good for you. You are now a bigger Douche than I thought you were before. I didn’t think you could do it, but you did. Congratulations.] What I've spent is only a fraction of the total. [Did somebody ask how much of the total money you spent on the surgery? I didn’t think so. In addition, any amount less than the total amount they left you is a fraction of the total. Let me dumb this one down for you: To make it easy, let’s assume they left you $1,000,000. Let’s say that you spent $999,999 of that on surgery. That would mean that you spent 999,999/1,000,000 (which is a fraction of the total amount) on the surgery. Now, even though that would be a fraction, that is still most of the money. I’m guessing that you meant to say that you spent only a small fraction of the total amount. That would be something completely different. I mean, you’d still be a Douche, but it would be different.] What I do with my money is my business, ok buddy? [I never said it was anyone else’s business. I was simply judging you for taking a gift from your grandparents and using it for something completely and utterly superficial. It’s not my business at all, but it is one of the things that makes you a Douche.] No one tells you how you can spend yours do they? [How do you know that? That’s pretty presumptive of you. Maybe my money is held in a trust and I need approval for all my expenses. Maybe my bank tells me that I can’t write checks if I don’t have the money to cover them. Maybe your mother tells me that I have to spend it on condoms if I want to fuck her. You don’t know if anyone tells me how to spend my money, do you, buddy? By the way, if you want to know if anyone tells me how to spend my money, the FACTS can be found on Cindy Jackson's website.] Oh and I spent £50,000 not $$$. [Once again, (and this is the last time I’m going to say this) I didn’t write the motherfucking story. Douche. And what is the exchange rate for three dollar signs?]
Have a nice life. [Thanks for the well wishes.] I'm enjoying mine. [Nobody asked if you were, you pompous asshole. Even more important, nobody gives a flying fuck.]"
Well that was fun.
Douche.
posted by Naked Drinking Coffee at 6/13/2005 08:26:00 PM
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